Ever since Gracie was embarking upon Kindergarten in 2011, I have felt prompted to homeschool. I had no clue what I was getting into and only had known one good friend who had homeschooled her children up to that point, and done a fine job at it I might add. After talking to Barry and praying about it for a few months, he reluctantly agreed that maybe it was a good decision. The summer before Kindergarten, I met another local homeschooling mama who had been homeschooled with her siblings her whole life, and then went on to attend a private four-year university, and was homeschooling her children. I looked at her curriculum and still felt like a fish out of water. We entered Gracie into public school for Kindergarten, but pulled her out to homeschool about a month after that because we weren't happy with the atmosphere in the classroom (we both had volunteered before making that decision). We joined a public charter school to do our work through, and met with a credentialed teacher once every 20 days to turn in work and attendance. I cannot even begin to describe the extreme anxiety I had each month about 2-3 days before our meeting, thinking I didn't do enough and what would I submit to show the work we had done each month. I was making myself crazy (the perks of being "Type A" and a perfectionist). I didn't feel like I was making much of a difference in her schooling (always second-guessing myself) and was super overwhelmed by it all, so suddenly re-enrolled her that same year back into the public school out of frustration that I was failing (I'm still learning how not to be such an "all-or-nothing" person). Gracie finished Kindergarten at the public school and survived just fine, just like the rest of us who've been through school. I had three younger children at home (two in preschool and one infant). We were also still figuring out the whole special ed game with Micah, so I was all over the place that year. I do realize that bouncing kids back and forth is not good for them; they need stability.
The following year, Gracie started 1st grade in August at the same public school. During this time, Micah was enrolled at a public preschool for special needs children, and we just weren't happy with the placement (not allowed to come into classroom, red flags everywhere for a child who doesn't speak, and he was bringing home bad behaviors). Chloe was also ready for Kindergarten, but not old enough to start due to the birthday cutoff rules from the state. With all the needs combined, we decided once again to try homeschooling to see if it might be a better fit for all of the children. I think I felt the worst about pulling Gracie out because she had an AMAZING teacher who I really didn't want to leave. But at that point, I didn't want some of the kids in school and others at home. (Again, this shows my all-or-nothing approach... I realize it's one of my weaknesses and don't need it pointed out by others, thank you). So in October that year, we started homeschooling and filed a private affidavit with the state. This gave us the freedom to teach how and what we wanted without having to answer to anyone along the way. We had to keep attendance and health records, offer a full curriculum, and teach for 180 days. The rest was nobody's business. We had a really great year; in fact, it was the best year for our family so far. I look back on 2012/13 with much fondness and confidence. We did it! I successfully homeschooled four children at four different levels, and we had FUN!
So with that gusto, we began 2013/14 schooling again at home. Why not, right? What I didn't expect was the two older girls battling their wills against mine. From August to October, we just had the most horrible days. One didn't want to read. One didn't want to do her desk work. One was bored. The other was mad and sad. It was a long battle I wasn't prepared for, and one that was leaving me at my wit's end. Against all reasonable advice and counsel from my dear husband who HAD BEEN praying and who told me NOT to put them back in school, I did it anyway. Yes, I deliberately went against his wishes because "he wasn't the one who was dealing with all the stress." Instead of taking a step back, taking a few days off, taking a breather, and just relaxing and praying, I threw them back in school without a second thought. Then Barry said, "This is it. We're not going back and forth anymore. We can't keep yo-yo'ing them." Fine with me!
Gracie's 2nd grade year and Chloe's Kindergarten year were great. They had wonderful teachers and wonderful friends. I volunteered as much as I could and loved what I saw (I kept Micah home for Kindergarten (see I'm learning slowly to give up "all-or-nothing"), and Annie went to preschool). I enjoyed having some down time, joined the gym, got to shop with only one child instead of four, and got really used to the quiet. I honestly thought we'd never look back.
By the end of the school year and all summer we prepared to enter 2014/15 in public school with no regrets or second thoughts. This would be a great plan to have all four children in school when our new sons come home. This would give me time to work on Wyatt and Garrett's adjustment, bonding, and teaching them English one-on-two with little interruptions. And before they come home, I'd get 2-3 months to go to the gym every day, get healthy, and take a couple more classes for school. Perfect plan! MY perfect plan. No problem. Freedom!! :)
Except.one.thing.
The nagging pull. The familiar "call" to homeschool was coming back. WHY???!!!!! Why, oh why, do I have to get these promptings when things are so good and comfortable? Why now when I have a perfect plan? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I made sure to always say yes when asked? (Because I know full well what happens when I say no to Heavenly Father's promptings). Okay, God, but I'll let things go as planned for this year, and we'll start it next year, okay? PLEASE????!!!! I don't want to homeschool... at least this year! Please?
In mid-July, when Barry went to a week long training out of town, the feeling just came barreling down on me. I couldn't shake it. I couldn't fight it. So I brought it up to him, expecting a response of, "Are you crazy?!" I don't even remember what he said, or if he said anything. A week or so passed, and I brought it up again. My poor husband, who has to be weary of all my neurotic tendencies, calmly said, "Maybe. We'll see." He was thinking more for next year, just like I was. Because this year is planned, and it's a good plan! And I can have a full year to prepare and go to homeschool conferences, and do scrapbooking, and have lunch with friends, and stuff like that!
Except the feeling wasn't going away. We'd lie in bed late at night talking about it. What if? What if? What if? I said, "I can't help but feel like Heavenly Father wants us to do it this year. And I'm afraid if we say no, I'll figure out why God pushed me so hard for this year. And I know that if we say yes, there will be blessings." So we prayed. And I cried in secret. And I kept crying.
Then I woke up at 3am last Tuesday morning. And I knew what I needed to do. I needed to answer my Heavenly Father's prompting, or call, or whatever you want to call it... and I knew I needed to say yes. To THIS year. Not next year. And I cried. With two weeks until school starts? Wow. The night before, Barry had said he wasn't ready for them to go back to school already, and that summer was too short. I agreed. But wow. I really wasn't prepared for this. Yes, Barry and I are both surprised.
I told the kids the next day. I expected tears and anger, especially from Chloe. She's the most social and independent out of all the girls, and she LOVES school. She was surprisingly the most excited. Gracie said, "Okay!", and even seemed somewhat relieved. She has a lot of anxiety over new situations and had been worried about what the new year would be like. Her shoulders relaxed. Annie was the one who had the quivering lips. But within 10 minutes, she had cheered up and was excited too (probably because her sisters were). I do feel really bad because they were all looking forward to school again. Annie couldn't wait to finally attend the big girls' school. Chloe was getting the awesome teacher that Gracie had for first grade. And Gracie was growing into her big girl self and learning how to control her fears. Micah is happy no matter what, and he doesn't understand what's going on with school placements, but I was looking forward to his experiences this year too. Yet all of their reactions confirmed that we're making the right decision.
And those are the only reactions we have to worry about. After all, we're making decisions based on what is best for them. We went to public school and turned out fine, so why is homeschooling best for them? I don't know. I could give a hundred answers of why I think homeschooling is awesome compared to public school, but I really don't know why Heavenly Father has been calling and preparing us to do this since 2011. I know I'm not the best homeschooling mama. I know my weaknesses and faults. I know when I'm failing miserably. But I also know when I'm doing great with them, because their smiles and enthusiasm say it all. They are happy to be home with me and with each other. And I'm slowly and finally learning how to lean on the One who can carry me through it all. I'm diving into prayer and scripture study each morning before the children wake up. I'm praying with the kids before we start school. I'm reading scriptures with them during snack time. And I'm praying each night that I might have done "something" right during the day. I'm also learning to listen to the counsel of my awesome husband, who is so in tune with God that I could really learn a thing or two from him. He knows how to lead our family. God is the head of it all, and we both talk to Him, but Barry is the one who answers to our Heavenly Father for the way our family turns out. And I'm so very thankful every day that he is the man I married. The poor guy picked me in all my craziness, but I got very lucky. We are all so very blessed by having him lead and guide our family.
The girls wanted to start school that day, but I explained that we had to prepare the school room again. Sweet Chloe cheerfully asked, "Can I help you?!" :) We all pitched in and had it ready in two days. Then they wanted to start school on Friday. I told them we would wait until Monday so I could wrap my head around some kind of schedule and figure out what we were doing. I made a master schedule and four individual schedules, one for each of them to check off what we do each day. Everyone loves lists in our family. So far, the past two days have gone very well. We are learning what works best and how to juggle everyone's needs since each of them are on a different level (3rd, 1st, 1st-special needs, and K). And so far, they're all being very patient. Gracie is able to be a little more independent with some subjects, and of course Micah needs the most help, but for them and everyone in between, we'll figure it out. I'm confident that this will be a good year. And when I'm frazzled and everyone else is frazzled, we'll take a breather. There's no harm in putting things aside. We aren't required to be buried in books for six hours a day (haven't you walked into your kids' class and seen a movie on?) :) Sometimes we just learn to be a better family by being together and enjoying each other's company. One expert even recommended a family take an entire 6 months off to learn how to function together (that was advice given to Kirk Cameron when he and his wife decided to homeschool their six children).
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| Enjoying art and snack time, 1st day of school, August 4, 2014 |
Love,
Shelly
And yes, I can be sassy... sorry, but sometimes it just comes out. That's the way I am. People either love me or hate me. Take it or leave it ;) But I love you all! :)
