Precious Moments

I've been contemplating exactly how to write this post. Honestly, it's hard to be so open and raw with difficult feelings on a public blog. But I want to write how I'm feeling in case it might help other adopting families, or those who might be considering it.

It's not all roses all the time. Adjusting can be hard. For the child and for the family... in this particular case the momma.

You see, Barry attached right away. And Fischer and the girls did too. And I loved Micah right away, but attachment was harder for me. I don't know why. I can't explain any of it really other than I was struggling a bit. It wasn't like the proverbial daycare child syndrome that some describe... there just wasn't a strong connection like I thought there would be. And I was upset with myself for feeling that way, especially after working so hard to bring him home.

It might have had something to do with the fact that we had family unexpectedly move in with us soon after we got home, so I didn't really have time to adjust. If we had just brought home a newborn, we might have even told the family NO! And they stayed with us for three months when we thought they were only staying two weeks. This post is not about that... it all worked out fine and we're back to normal. But I'm sure that change so soon after bringing Micah home had a lot to do with my emotions and settling or attaching with Micah.

Another factor I considered is that a lot of changes occurred soon after we brought him home: we were house searching, the kids were starting school, then we moved, then I decided to homeschool Gracie like I had wanted to all along, then I started back to school. WOW!

Maybe my lack of ability to attach had to do with all my stressors in life. (All good, but still stressors nonetheless).

Then I had some other ideas the past few weeks that started to click for me. I was considering that it was because he was three and not a baby. I missed so much of his life that I wasn't able to have those precious moments with him.

If you have ever adopted, or maybe it's just with an older child, you might know what I'm talking about. We never bonded! I mean we bonded in some ways, but not quite the same mother-child bonding that occurs with a newborn. I honestly don't think it had anything to do with the fact that he wasn't my birth child... just that we didn't get to bond from early in his life.

I will guiltily (is that even a word?) say that when Micah started preschool this week, I was secretly relieved that I would get a small break each day. Go ahead and judge me, but be honest with yourself that you've had those same feelings with all your kids after a long summer home with them and they suddenly go back to school. SIGH of relief right? It was like that. I wasn't glad he was gone, but glad that I could just relax a bit and not constantly be wondering where he was in the house and what he was getting into at any particular moment. I was able to get things done.

INSERT: Oh did I leave out the fact that this sweet boy is the most active child I've ever known in my life? He never stops until he's sleeping! And he's happy all the time, but extremely active and can be quite vocal as well.

Anyway... back to my point. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was feeling somewhat relieved for my small break each day. Then when he would get home, I was so excited to see him! I had missed him! I was so happy to have those feelings. You see, in four and a half months, he hadn't left my side except for some date nights and the weekend I went to Arizona, but that was a break from all the kids. But Micah had never left ME. See the difference?

Okay, so go to yesterday. He was in the middle of a nap when he suddenly woke up screaming. I ran to his room and discovered a nasty surprise. So I got him up and changed his diaper, all the while he was peacefully sleeping! After changing him, I scooped him up and held him. He stayed asleep. He molded into my arms. We were actually cuddling (unbeknownst to him). I held him so tightly and rocked him. I looked at his sweet face and started crying. I saw him as an infant. A baby. I was bonding with him! Oh sweet Jesus, thank you!

And now I am crying again. I love that little boy so much. I know that he was born into this world and meant for our family even though he was born into another. There is no doubt about that.

Then he woke up and it was like a light switch... instantly ready to go. But he hestitated and wanted to be with me. He was jealous that Annie wanted to sit in my lap and whined at her. When I moved her and took him in my lap, he would giggle. We sang songs, wrestled a bit, I gave him great big hugs & kisses, and put my cheek to his, and he let me! We put on Christmas music and danced and sang some more. It was like I imagined life to be with him.

And I may be imagining things, but he was trying so hard to talk to me, communicate with me, using babbles to try to get words out, making eye contact, smiling, and laughing. Most of that is normal, but it was like he was trying harder. Most likely it was the other way around.

I had some precious moments with him I so desperately needed. I am so grateful.

Like my mother-in-law said yesterday, "God was smiling down upon you the day you found his picture." She is SO right! God destined him to be with us, and us with him. We are all so blessed.